divorce

Be The One .. 

 

There are currently 2 billion people using online dating apps , it’s a fast growing multi billion industry. Everyday a new app is being introduced for niche markets, if you love beards, uniforms, older , younger, bald, fat thin, country lover, exotic dancing, whatever “your thing “is there will be an app for it.

So with all these apps at our fingertips, what are your chances of finding love ? , not sex, we all know that is more accessible to everyone more than it ever has been before, here lies the popularity of Tinder, which was created to avoid all those long drawn out form filling and writing profiles that not a lot of people read, and then the endless stream of emails , back & forth. Tinder created the visual aspect , the appeal that someone could really catch your eye, with the promise ” could they really look like that in real life ” ? Men holding a fish in they’re hands or in Lycra on a bike ( or worse in they’re leathers straddling a beast of a bike ) , stood in front of a car, boat or plane. It has no appeal , but every picture tells a story.

As the women pout and smile cradling their cats , or sitting on the bed with their dogs. These are people’s lives , and yes regardless of how long ago those pictures were taken, these 2 billion people are all clambering to be chosen ” for a date”, and for most something much more meaningful than just sex, and some just to pass the time.

But sadly, the need for instant results is getting many into “situationships” , more than friends with benefits, but less than an official relationship. I want you, but I am choosing to keep my options open by talking to others whilst with you, I want you, but I like keeping my ex on the back burner in case things don’t work out with you, I want you, but I am not prepared to give you complete transparency, I want you, but you have no need to be part of my family or life. I want you, but I’m not completely sure about you. I want you, but only as housemate, lodger or convenience. I like spending time with you, but I am not sure , I would like to see you more often but I’m super busy right now with my divorce, moving or looking for Work. I want .. ?..

The truth is 2 billion people online right now not knowing what they want, think they do, then they don’t, why ? Because the options are too great, what if I had dated that cute girl that still texts me from time to time, the one that I went on a date with a year ago… or the guy that was so nice but had just broken up with his girlfriend and wasn’t ready, maybe he is now I will text him. …. and these lists of thoughts are continually going through people’s minds, because the grass seems greener and These people all on the periphery being encouraged to interfere & redefining “relationships” into “situationships”

“Dating with authenticity is about choice and boundaries , to have a fulfilling and meaningful relationships is all about being vulnerable, not having any other options, not having anyone on the back burner, deleting contacts and people that play a significant role to the past, and being honest, these are given standard things that people should want to do if they are genuine in their search ”

To find the one, you have to be the one, if you find yourself in a “situationship”, that you are not happy with, ask yourself this question .. why do you allow it ?

divorce

Same script, different cast ..

I don’t know how those of you that try online dating do it ? , fascinated by the way in which finding a compatible partner has changed , every six months I post a profile online to see the way in which it is changing. And it really is a minefield, how tiresome and irritated I feel getting the ” hello’s, HI’s and just good Morning .. and then sometimes followed by ” where are you from ” .. ? , the copy and pasted messages are unimaginative and predictable. And those relentless in they’re search come across as needy and lack desirability…. how lazy everyone is becoming if a potential match lives more than a few miles away they disregard. I get it, long distance relationships certainly lack spontaneity , which is a crucial ingredient whilst dating. And long distance relationships only work if one or the other is willing to close the distance. 

Everyone has their own “dating style” , the chat up lines that work , the same approach that makes them win in love. How many times Have I heard someone say , ” why am I still single ? and he or she has moved on and in a relationship already ” ? .. , well obviously they wasn’t emotionally invested in the relationship, those that move on quickly  are not ” attached” they don’t ” connect” so it’s easy for them to move on, it’s all a well written script and a part that they play so well. It’s a mask that they wear to protect them from feeling emotion and able to compartmentalise the areas of their life that need to be..

Perhaps we should be communicating with someone that understands its the pauses within the waves not the movement that give life the texture we dream of when the lights go out and we shut our eyes and allow ourselves to go to the place that has no judgement on us… where we feel alive .. 

Too much? well no doubt it is, challenging? undoubtedly, men and women in their profile’s are really asking for someone to be more than the sum of what they have , or had,  someone smarter, funnier, younger, richer, taller, thinner, it’s all there… 

Perhaps first, we should be authentic with ourselves, and have clarity on who we are before dipping our toes into the water… I think it’s healthy to spend time alone .. to ebb and flow with the emotions. There is something attractive about people that have got their lives together , and not in the midst of divorce , or unable to be vulnerable in fear of getting hurt, or unable to share.

I have never understood those that stay in a bad relationship  feeling unhappy, unsatisfied,  lonely, and unfulfilled . However,  most of these situations require them to continue and smile…which they do , because maybe they think its a fool that throws it all away only to end up in the same situation. … for some of them its looking and dreaming of ” what if” …

And for others that meet one person, and their whole life changes forever ….

dating, divorce, divorced, internet dating, relationships

One step at a time .. 

It’s been a very busy start to the new year, and I just realised I haven’t blogged since Christmas, spending every spare moment doing homework and assignments and modules to achieve my diploma in Divorce / Life Coaching. I made a pact to myself last year that I would finish this course and get my diploma by March 2017,  I was on target and actually received my diploma on the 21st February. 

Some of the modules were hard as to be a life coach you certainly have to have bucket loads of ” life skills” , which I have, to be a Divorce Coach I had to provide examples of helping those get through Divorce, which I did effortlessly, and on reflection my journey has been pointing to have a career where I help others. 

Ironic, whilst going through my divorce ( many years ago ), I was a successful matchmaker helping all those single people find love, being a matchmaker was where I learnt my skill to really listen to people and to see the mistakes that people make in their quest to find love, it was and still is apparent that when people search out of their need to fill voids is when they can make some awful choices ,and now fast forward over 20 years ( 2 divorces later ), I support those going through relationship collapse. In particular,  those that are facing divorce through they’re partner cheating, when they are left and abandoned to pick up the pieces of a broken heart with the shattered pieces of their former self fallen at their feet. The low self esteem that accompanies betrayal is I know one of the hardest things to get back, it can take months to repair the damage, and sadly for many they never fully recover. The ripple effect of Divorce has many consequences not just for those that are left behind, but also for the partner that walked away, life for both is never quite the same. But when a divorce is through a partner being betrayed it takes some getting over.

Relationships are complex there are no guarantees for any couple that now enters into marriage to tell if it’s going to last, none of us go into marriage preparing for it to fail, but likewise no one goes through a divorce unscathed emotionally and financially at the end. And every divorce is different , some quick and amicable , and some that are long drawn out battles with bruised ego’s , hurt feelings. And when you have children together , well that battle can go on for years.

Nurturing yourself …

Just a reminder to really nurture yourself , you are fragile and vulnerable, you will be emotionally  exhausted, your sleep pattern will be affected, and your eating habits will either be all or nothing. Some of the depressed feelings you will get , alongside anxiety is ” not feeling in control , and not feeling good enough”, this is all totally normal.

As a music lover I surrounded myself with Music ( and still do), Music helps lots of people to access their feelings, if you can play an instrument , sing or write , anything creative will help guide your way through this journey,  any activity that brings some enjoyment through this time is good. 

 Nurturing your relationships …

Divorce is great for clearing out old worn out friendships, in particular those friendships that keep you tied to the past. Some of these friendships will naturally go to the wayside and friends and families tend to take sides. My attitude is this, only have people in your life that care about you and visa versa , the rest are really just passing through, I truly believe that.  Nurture your relationships with your children , brothers and sisters , this connection with your family , friends and the community is what is going to keep you grounded and will improve your self worth. Do not worry about the friendships that you will lose, when they see someone going through divorce, they’re own reality comes into question as they start looking at their relationships, and you become a threat. 

Start recognising when something ( or someone ) is not good for you …

So often when we are facing relationship collapse through a spouse or partner cheating , we tend to play over scenario’s in our minds of old conversations ( emotional attachment ), replaying those moments in time when you was not aware that your partner was cheating, the ” how could s/he have done this” is like a record on replay in your mind. The bond that you had ( or thought you had ) , has just gone. 

For many that struggle to let go of this emotional attachment Prevents them from getting on with their lives, and stops them from creating a new self identity. Going over things is natural, wanting to disect every bit of information is a natural process, but eventually this passes, and then a huge  desire to move on naturally takes place. For those that need that validation and lingering emotional attachment will never be free. I call this ” The revolving door”  when one reflects on the history of a partnership and unable to let them go. When your partner has met someone else, please leave that man or woman alone, for your sanity , health and self respect .. Your “if only’s will  Only harm you, talking it over with other people will help you face up to the reality and allow you to grieve in private it’s a slow process, It is during this process you come to terms with things ( you may not understand it now why something had to happen the way it did, but eventually you will )

Time …

Some of the grief that you could encounter is what is known as “carried grief” from previous losses and disappointments, which means if you haven’t had time to grieve and gone maybe from one relationship to another,  eventually this “grief” will lay firmly at your door. Which is why I encourage everyone to take some time out, there are no exceptions here I’m afraid. 

I know everyone hates the term ” be patient , give it time” , but it is absolutely true, Time will make the break up less painful, time will also allow you to see and take some responsibility , the part that you played in the break up, relationships are only as good as the two people in it, if a partner has cheated then 9 times out of 10 the emotional connection would have gone between you, and you would have probably been feeling unhappy for a while but was to afraid to speak up , in fear of having to learn the truth. ( or the other extreme, being with someone that just craves attention, any way they can ), I know of lots of couples that know their partner is cheating but put up with it for various reasons. Personally, once a 3rd person enters into any relationship it’s doomed, it’s better to cut your losses and let them get on with it. It’s a wonderful feeling of liberation and freedom when you set them both free. Searching for more meaning in your life than being around deceit is far more important. There could be someone authentic & compatible for you further down the road.

It’s amazing what you can achieve when you are going through heartache, it’s all about the mindset and having the confidence to embrace change, and participate in changing your life and not “expecting” anyone else to do it for you… ( I am not suggesting to not let others help you, I am suggesting creating the life YOU want , not what others think you should have.. ) 

Hope .. 

I am moving in the Spring, it was a visualisation that I created last year, For those of you that have never tried the ” law of attraction ” , I encourage you to try it. In short , I visualised a house with a large garden ( I enjoy gardening and know anything creative is good when your heart is acheing, I visualised getting my Diploma, and a home office, where I could write and help  & inspire people. 

Imagine my surprise when the house had a brick outbuilding with heating and light just ready and waiting to be restored  into a sanctuary for those needing a little help…. tears fell down my face, and excitement overwhelmed me. ( there is a god ) .. synchronicity at its best. And a garden that needs vibrant colours and life put back into it ..

I believe that our journey is planned we may take wrong turns from time to time, make wrong decisions , hurt people, get hurt , feel disillusioned and at times despair, but when we are on the right road, don’t put the brakes on, get into top gear and enjoy it.. If you focus on the road ahead and not in the rear view mirror, absolutely everything and anything is possible… 






dating, divorce, divorced, relationships

Heartache at Christmas , and how to survive it ..

As Christmas  approaches reminding those of us that are single and for those going through heartache I thought I would share some great tips on how to survive the festivities. Relationship collapse is never easy but when you are facing your first Christmas without the one you love it can seem like a very dark place.

 

I Think I must be an expert in this, it was 21 years ago I divorced, I have spent most of those  (single ) at Christmas, I can’t really believe it myself  but it’s true….

The thing is no one tells you that your life as you knew it will be no more, my home whilst married was the hub,  the heart of Christmas, open house , some people would despair cooking for lots of people I loved it, invariably 12 for Christmas lunch. This is part of the disappointment of Divorce, losing the extended family as well as your husband or wife and all the traditions that you put in place over the years.

I begun embracing life as a single parent and started new traditions, beginning with the christingle service at church on Christmas Eve, joining friends for drinks and then a quiet Christmas Day with a walk on the beach which became my sanctuary…  life was different , better, hard , yet so peaceful. I distanced myself from drama,  I learnt quickly it was wasted energy , when a man or woman is focused on creating a new life away from you, there is no “turning them”, they have gone, they do it easily and with little or no remorse. Their focus will be on moving on and out as quickly as possible. And you are left to pick up the pieces,   So I challenged myself to not let divorce defeat me.. looking back I found peace going to church which I did regularly, and without doubt eventually moving away & living by the sea helped the healing process.

Relationships generally end just before Christmas for various reasons, the main one at this time of year is through a partner cheating, It’s sad how many lives will be shattered this Christmas by a cheating spouse or partner, how many children will  be affected by betrayal this year …

So I understand that for those of you unsure how you are going to pick yourself up all I can say is when you feel your heart has been broken into pieces and stamped on, there really is no other way to go than up. That quivering mess that you are now, with your emotions and mind running wild will eventually fade. The first Christmas alone is always the hardest, thinking of Christmases past add to the torment, and if you have been affected by your partner cheating the visions in your mind of the other man or woman with your partner will be all consuming. Try not to Let depression take over, it’s so easy this time of year to turn to alcohol to numb the pain, try and force yourself  to say yes to invitations, the more active and social you are, the better you will feel.

It’s too easy to sit at home safe in the comfort zone,  and I know you probably won’t feel like socializing but do try, particularly if you have children they won’t want to see you sad and upset, as broken as you feel you just have to keep going.

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The good news is Christmas is only a few days and then you can start looking forward and planning a brand new year, challenges are what makes life interesting,   Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful but definitely not an easy process, in fact it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do … 

So here are my Tips

  1. Ask for help if you are struggling
  2. Cry ( you have too )
  3. Socialize as much as possible, say yes to invitations
  4. Don’t Fear change
  5. Set some new traditions

When someone you love leaves you you may not know it now but the Pain will make you stronger, and heartbreaks make you wiser, so thank the past for a better future…Don’t let divorce & disappointment make you bitter, certain things that happen to hurt us are really just creating space for a better future, I would much rather be single than with a cheating partner free from all the lies & deceit … Now, that’s peace … 


dating, divorce, divorced, internet dating, relationships

Hooked …

Casting your net wide in search for the perfect partner ? How do you find a good one ? Particularly if you are starting out after divorce. It’s a calamity if you start this process during divorce, your emotional intelligence will not be configured in finding a compatible partner, it will just be a transitional relationship. Nothing wrong with that if you are just looking for a bit of fun someone to spend some time with, without all the emotional attachments that relationships bring. But if you are looking for a life partner you have to be 100% ready.

Most that have been let down in relationships don’t trust their own judgement in picking the right one, usually going through the same setbacks , choosing the same “type” only to be disappointed. 

Gaining awareness on the type of person that you have chosen in the past will help identify where you are going wrong. The problem with online dating people get ” hooked” up too quickly, going on a couple of dates does not make someone “compatible” , having conversations about exclusivity and  long term plans after a few dates is a real indication of loneliness and a desperate attempt at seeking solutions to combat loneliness. Falling for someone too quickly has huge implications and puts an enormous strain on the person that will feel trapped and obligated for the relationship to go somewhere. 

What feels right for you, may not feel right for someone else, When you are going through a divorce you will be in a different kind of reality, life as you once knew it , is no more, so you will be living a kind of fantasy life with all the upheaval that it brings. 

 if you have been betrayed your aim will be for validation and for someone to make you feel attractive and wanted. Online dating can be perfect for the ego boost, it can also  actually make you feel worse, that net is wide and cast with 100’s  of various different types of people, you have to be equipped to start dating, and you certainly have to be ready for a vast amount of rejection along the way.

People that are not ready to invest emotionally ( those going through divorce , or relationship collapse , are the worst offenders of not identifying your needs and will only be concerned with what is going on around them), and can easily get swept away in the romance of it all, particularly those that have come out of a long marriage. The red flags are there , someone that rushes the process will be an emotional time bomb. Getting to know someone takes time, slowing down this process will have great benefits in the long term. 

Some people get hooked with the adrenaline rush that meeting someone new creates, they get hooked on the highs of those first meetings and flirtatious text messaging, and become uninterested once the first phase is over. 

There is no doubt about it, relationships are complicated business , that net will drag in some interesting characters , if you are vulnerable I would avoid online dating completely, Let’s face it we are all searching for an imaginary life where we believe our Mr or Mrs Right is out there somewhere and if you cast your net wide enough will you find them ? Or will those slippery suckers fall through the net ? 

The sad truth is this, that net gets bigger and wider, it’s incestuous, the temptation to explore is sometimes just too much for many, so they continue they’re search looking for something better, reeling in their catch then throwing them back in, the murky waters get deep for many.

When you know yourself and have a clear understanding of what you are looking for in a life partner you won’t tolerate the sharks, the time wasters and those unable to emotionally connect  that have the next please mentality… a sprat to catch a mackerel. 

Respect people’s relationships, there’s so many fish in the sea, don’t try and mess with the one’s that are already caught… and don’t get hooked up with someone that does not feel the same as you regarding loyalty and compatibility and goal setting,  because the more you love them, the more they can hurt you …… 


dating, divorce, divorced, internet dating, relationships, Uncategorized

Burning Flame …

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone they just cannot love you back the same way, which is exactly why a lot of relationships fail, two incompatible people that want different things, expect different  things and behave differently in relationships, leading different lives of what’s acceptable or not. 

When you first meet someone it’s really important to discuss what you expect from the other person, it’s necessary to have complete openness about past relationships , and where these people are now in their lives. You have to of course be just as transparent and also hope that they are telling you the truth. Few people rarely talk about This, but they should, they just assume that the person they are with holds the same beliefs as they do, only to eventually find out differently. Steering clear of anyone with unresolved issues with an ex, this will keep your emotional security intact. 

 old flames sometimes have an unhealthy habit of sticking around, I think that’s why I don’t like online dating and having spoken to numerous people regarding their experiences, they find it hard to shake off the cling ons, the people who they went on a couple of dates with and got the ” let’s be friends, keep in touch”, code for , I have other options I need to explore, or I don’t fancy you but we can meet up when I’m lonely bored or been dumped. And sadly, the majority of people using online dating have generally just come out of a long term relationship so have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. In the first instance stroking a badly bruised ego, and in the main searching for anything to fill voids and have some fun, or worse just desperate to be with someone. 

For me personally  I get easily bored of reading the same old unimaginative profiles, and I firmly believe that the enjoyment of any journey depends on the company you keep, so being selective is paramount in being happy…

So there you are all these people getting disillusioned about love, so naturally when they get a call from an old flame , it can be so tempting to consider relighting that fire,  varying reasons from not having found someone as compatible, imagining it was bad timing the first time around, remembering  how good it was at one point and think they can recreate it again, or have this fantasy in their heads that they have changed seen the part in which they played , and taken personal accountability for messing things up, and willing to change. Which actually 9 times out of 10 is nonsense , people are who they are , it might be ok for a little while but those things that split you up the first time will soon raise there ugly heads to dissapoint over and over again. Trying to fix something that’s been broken in the past takes commitment , dedication and time. So yes, as tempting as it may be to get back with an Ex I would not advise it, unless there is complete transparency and honesty. I think that old adage , never let an old flame burn you twice rings true for many, But we all try it and eventually end up getting burned , as we run out of second chances, not always through lack of love but through lack of honesty.  And I am a firm believer in letting people go ,and nothing frustrates me more when watching people cling to the past, I know it’s hard letting people go, but life gets easier when you do. Remembering those that we have loved is far easier from a distance, time really is a great healer and helps to put things into perspective. 

It was many years ago that one of my friends husband had an affair, left her at a time that she needed him most, her brother had died suddenly a few months before, she became depressed and completely lost interest in everything including her relationship. At this time rather than supporting her he found comfort with someone else, he left the marital home and moved in with his lover, I remember feeling really shocked , in my eyes they were the perfect couple , they had had their ups and downs over the years but their love was evident in everything they did. It was made harder for her because the woman he chose to have an affair with was much younger, i have worked out since then that men do this to combat the ageing process and it’s the ego that leads this type of relationship. He was gone ,they got divorced , and she never heard from him, it was their 2nd marriage for both , no children between them, only grown up children from their previous marriages, so it was easier to make that break, she was devastated. 

Filling her days with work and looking after her grandchildren and even having the odd relationship, but she couldn’t replace him, there was just something missing, she defined it as he completed her, she felt lost. I guess he was in her Heart and definitely on her mind daily. 

Five years went by and then one day out of the blue he turned up on her doorstep desperate to see her, and keen for her to give the relationship one more try, she resisted his attempts at first in fear of being let down and hurt once more, it took him 6 months to persuade her to try again. I remember being concerned about his motives , but could not fault his honesty and the way he conducted this reunion. That was 15 years ago, they remarried and are still together now, they started with a clean slate and got rid of all the dead wood and people that were having  or could have a detrimental effect on their relationship. That is the only way forward with situations like this, it takes so much time to rebuild the foundations after an affair / betrayal,  with resilience and trust.

So it does work out for some people if the flame still burns , there are plenty of people out there who will want to spend their time with you, but always choose the one that wants to share their life with you openly and honestly. My goal in life is always to be happy, genuinely , intensely and consistently happy, regardless of what that looks like to others, and regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not, it’s not always easy walking away from someone that you have close ties with, but sometimes it’s completely necessary for your peace of mind and emotional well being, and sometimes that’s just how it has to End … 


dating, divorce, divorced, internet dating, relationships, Uncategorized

Ships in the night … 

I get a lot of emails from women that ask why men withdraw So easily from a relationship, how they move on so quickly and how they forget, ignore and abandon those that they say they love.

Wish i could have a miracle cure for all those unanswered questions that go through their minds. 

Men find it easier at putting things into “compartments”, and a very realistic and pragmatic approach when it comes to affairs of the heart. They have the safe guard of an ego and the comrades Of their friends who generally have no time for discussing the whys and wherefore of what went wrong. Using the ” get over it ” and move on approach, plenty more fish in the sea.. which of course there are.  A huge part of the population is now single, there is absolutely no reason why anyone should be spending their time alone trying to work out why something went wrong, when there are so many women available to fill your shoes. And sadly they do, these women pick up where you left off, They park in your parking space so to speak, and sit in the chair that you used to call home. It’s cringe worthy stuff to be honest, the conveyer belt of life, being replaced is excruciating. But depending how you look at it will determine how quickly you progress into accepting it… 

I prefer to look at this way, no woman of integrity or value will fill those shoes, without feeling somehow awkward or uncomfortable, that for a Start should make you feel better. Men in particular are really not good at being on their own, preferring instead to make do, they don’t happily embark in the single life, the majority don’t mourn loss, preferring instead to have their ego’ s stroked by anyone that fits into their criteria. Spending time alone is just not an option, which of course it doesn’t have to be when there are all these other options available. 

I was out for a meal with my family last week, a man in his mid 50’s came up to speak to me, normal pleasantries ” where are you from? , did you enjoy your meal etc etc .., in which he decided to tell me that he had lived in this particular village for years, and that he now lived up the road with his partner , and infact he said, ” my batchelor pad is the thatched cottage next door, I rent it out now ” .. Amazing what people tell you just in passing, but if you listen well, their words speak volumes.

It was the next day, that I thought about that man , he hasn’t really committed has he to his partner up the road ?  preferring instead to move his clothes and a few personal items, and rented out his house. This is without doubt a man that cannot commit and in what I call a convenient relationship.  He is still reminiscing about his batchelor pad, Men that commit leave no room to question their motives, they 100% commit emotionally , they are in it for the long haul and not just testing the water. He would be planning a future with you, not ready to jump ship at any moment, there would be no other option available to him, just you. There would be no batchelor pad to run back to, and no space in his life or room in his heart for anyone else. 

So if you ever have to wonder why your ex has moved on so quickly, the simple answer is this, he was not in it for the long haul, he was just passing through…