divorce, divorced, relationships, Uncategorized

Me before You …

jack-vettriano-alone-again

One of the biggest questions I get asked is ” how do I find myself again after my heart has been broken ” ? 

We have all been there so wrapped up in the relationship that somewhere along the way we lose our identity .So used to being a “couple” and sharing our lives together and when it ends we have to find ourselves again. For some they ease into their new found single status easily. But for many they struggle and cannot remember who they were particularly when comforting a broken heart and their self esteem is on the floor, that earth shattering moment when you realize it’s over & there is no going back and all the dreams that you had as a couple for your future are broken pieces of yesterday.

So you sit there for a while and try to remember who you was before they came into your life, you identify exactly what stage of your life you was at when they entered it and you want to rewind and get back there ( if only life was that simple ) , so instead you have to claw your way back, thats exactly how it feels & it’s exhausting….

Searching to find yourself & it still comes back to them … 

 

f4a40139c0dcfee7f4be79d457ec5a6c--jack-vettriano-jack-oconnell

I think it depends on the history of the relationship and the depth of feeling that was there which indicates how quickly people can bounce back, I am never surprised anymore when you hear of a couple breaking up , and within moments, minutes or weeks one or the other is in another relationship, my take on this is simple , they didn’t have genuine feelings , they are men and women of the “moment” they take opportunities , these personality types are generally romanticists and always searching for perfection & the next thing that will excite and entice them, they fall in love easily , let them go…

Building confidence takes time after heartache

 

  So as hard as it is to free yourself from someone and come back to the space of who you once was , you have to make peace with the past, layer by layer & leave it there shredded & broken as it is on the floor. 

You have a choice, you can find yourself again , or reinvent yourself , go with whatever option is going to help you grow …

 

Everything is not always at it seems , we often create problems and look at things the wrong way when we are hurting, we make mistakes and can become stuck , this is life’s way of saying something has to change and those tears are creating something new and wonderful in your life ….. You  

 

 

 

Advertisements
dating, internet dating, relationships

Bippity Boppity Boo …

1396721001313 (1)

I never really like the lead up to Christmas , I call it the ” Silly Season” where people’s emotions are high and for those that are recently single through divorce or relationship collapse tend to naturally feel sad and weighed down with sentiment from Christmases past.

 I guess its the time of year where we all look back on the year to see how far we have come , and what a year it has been for me , a whirlwind of emotions , heartache struggles and triumphs . And the highlight has been the travelling that I have done , and meeting new people. I made a promise to myself in January that I would visit new places and say yes to new adventures and see where that would lead, well it has given me the travel bug , and next year I will be doing more travelling. Without a doubt losing my sister to cancer has had a profound affect on me, for the last year of her life she inspired me to do more, be more , her wish for me was to find someone special that wouldn’t let me down & break my heart , sadly, she never got to see that before she passed away, because it never happened , but as we all know with affairs of the heart these things take time , and I know from previous experience he will appear if he is meant to, and my heart is open to it now. And sometimes we get in that trap of ” I cannot be bothered ” , for someone that has been single for sometime ( well a long time ) I can honestly say I am used to my single status ,

I was born in the wrong generation for sure ,

I love ” dating”  and no one dates anymore , they meet for coffee , maybe do a dinner date, and then ” hey come round mine for a meal ” ?, so familiar and easy. And here lies the problem of how people get into “incompatible” relationships , they rush the process and before they know it , sat on the couch going through  Netflix eating nachos or some other nibble 😉 a glass of bubbly and there you are thats “Dating”… 

Sigh ….

 

 

dating, divorce, divorced, relationships

A house is not a Home …

IMG_408080158650309

when you have been divorced and you finally meet someone that you want to commit to , one of the biggest stumbling blocks are where are you going to live ? its a practical question and one that for many involves compromise. I know many men in particular who have given up their homes to move in with a partner, sold up all of their belongings to start a new life with the one they love. Well I guess that shows commitment when they turn up with a few suitcases with their clothes , what these women don’t realize is in those suitcases are some highly charged emotions that eventually will surface. 

She just looks at it that he cares enough to move in with her, and  all she had to do was empty a few cupboards and drawers to make some room for him, that showed her commitment. She didn’t have to pack any boxes and give up her home….

Everyone that “starts over” after divorce, all fear loss, fear if they put everything into it and the relationship ends, they are left again to pick up the pieces. So they go into relationships basically “keeping their options open”, but by keeping their options open, they are actually not living authentically.

 

Men like to feel that they are coming home , and every man that I have met that have moved into their partners house , end up eventually feeling like a “spare part”  a lodger. And here is where the slow resentment starts and the loneliness of thought begins. So they make do , and live a very compromising life, and look at the benefits of not “living alone”. But life should not be like this , where people are afraid of real commitment and letting go of their past. Just because something happened to them before, does not mean it will happen again. 

Successful relationships are when both play fair, and there is “balance”  and no “control, or leaving options open by keeping a house as a back up plan , just in case ” There is no guarantees in any relationship , but there has to be trust that it will work .  

Being vulnerable is part of being in an authentic & healthy relationship 

I asked a man recently if he was happy now that he had moved in with his partner and did he feel like it was home ? …….his reply

” This will never feel like home, it will always be her house ” 

Sigh ….

old_couple_running_on_beach

dating, divorce, divorced, relationships

Letting Go ..

FB_IMG_1510895957454

When someone you love leaves you for someone else, your initial reaction is fear, how will you survive without them financially and emotionally, spending years with someone who suddenly decides to go leaving you drowning in all the emotions. Where are you going to live ? And how are you going to get through it ? In those early days your focus is solely on them , from how could they do it ? why did they do it ? what are they doing now ? and who they are doing it with ? it’s almost an obsession wanting to know every detail of the betrayal , it’s mental torture trying to get clarity and answers that very rarely come. The main reason that people struggle in letting go is because they want answers , truth , to dissect every detail of their relationship and find answers as to why their partner chose to be with someone else. Most feel that they wasted years of their life with someone that ended  it in an abrupt way by being deceitful. 

The Sooner you shift your focus from them to you , the easier your life will become  

Putting all your energies into rebuilding your life is when the real transformation begins 

Look at the relationship for how it really was , take off those rose tinted glasses , pull it apart and realize how broken it really was.

How lonely and neglected you felt.

Whilst they was probably busy with work or social activities , hobbies and interests , you was the one at home waiting for them ?

Once you start pulling the relationship apart , you will feel easier about letting it go … And I know the pain feels like it will never end , but it will & it does.

The guilt & regrets will go , when you get days of ” Maybe I should have done this, and done that ” , be aware that looking back to “what ifs” are not going to change the situation , turn those what ifs to things you can change , which starts with your mindset …

Yes you will face many challenges in the process of letting go , you will go through many sleepless nights knowing that they are in the arms of someone else , which I know for many can make them feel and be physically sick, as they crawl out of bed wondering how they will get through another day ? 

So if you are struggling … Just for today remember this … you are much more than just your broken heart ..

IMG_109213459630335

 

 

dating, divorce, divorced, internet dating, relationships, Uncategorized

Suddenly Single at Christmas …

n-CHRISTMAS-DIVORCE-large570

A lot of couples break up the weeks before Christmas, I am not sure why , I expect it has something to do with the end of year reflection , where we start making plans to make the next year a better one , or for those that realize that maybe their significant other is not making them happy anymore, Or just two incompatible people saying goodbye …  

One thing is for sure , when you are the one left behind to pick up the pieces of a broken heart around the festive period it can be extremely hard to feel the “happiness”  and excitement that Christmas is meant to bring. 

So how do you prepare to get yourself out of the gloom that is hanging over you and making you feel like scrooge , how do you pick up your smile when your lips are quivering , your hands are shaking and you are separated  from the one you love ? 

I can only reflect on my own experiences of being heartbroken at Christmas and the experiences of those that have shared their grief and disappointment with me over the years.  If you have children it’s hard to hide how you are feeling , particularly when they will be extra hyper and full of excitement and all you want to do is hide yourself away.  

Say YES to invitations , that’s right, say YES, as much as you really don’t want to go to the office Christmas party , force yourself to. Being around other people IS what you need. 

Indulge yourself , have a makeover … if the purse strings are tight, look at your local beauty college / school. They offer cut price treatments and you will feel amazing. Pamper and make yourself look fabulous ( you may be a quivering mess inside , but outside you will feel better )

Get Help , launch yourself into fact finding ( if you have children ) , contact Gingerbread  https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/ they have lots of useful information everything to do with being a single parent. Suddenly being alone with children can make you feel vulnerable, there are lots of resources out there that can help you. 

 images-10

At Christmas time there will be lots of alcohol available , try and limit the amount , or even better try and refrain, alcohol numbs the pain for a little while but plays havoc with your already running mind. 

Speak to your employer let them know what is happening, its amazing how many people try and hide their relationship breakdown from their employers in fear of looking like a failure or feel that it will make their position vulnerable. In truth, many employers are sympathetic these day’s to relationship breakdowns and should put in place some support for you. 

What went Wrong ? 

Before you can begin to heal you have to understand what went wrong in the relationship, putting the blame into the lap of the other person will not help you learn on how you could have done or handled things differently. Find an impartial listener a trusted friend or confidante that can help you analyze the part that you may have played in the demise of the relationship. None of us are perfect , and it takes two to make a relationship work, and sometimes people are not honest about what they want and not authentic with their actions.  If you are the victim of infidelity I will be doing another blog post on that . Regardless of why the relationship ended,  heartbreak at Christmas is on the increase.   

Social media

If you want to make yourself feel worse stalk your Ex on social media , if you want to feel better , block them , this will help you resist the urge to check up on them… why make yourself feel worse than you already do ? 

So block and delete …

04866a6c8be922cad816e78575b346b27d8e8fe1a5b4fa7766d5de9a4c8896a6

I Would love to hear some of the best advice that you had whilst getting over heartbreak .. drop me a line here

or alternatively if you want some support .. you can email me here info@suddenlysingle.org.uk

 

 

dating, divorce, divorced, relationships

Betrayed by love …

With the return of Dr Foster to our screens , everyone ( including the men) have been hooked to this series. It really is great viewing , gripping and highlights the ever growing highly charged intensity of two people divorcing.
Here of course , we are not talking about Mr Mrs smith who have been married quite comfortably for 20 or 30 Years who both have fallen out of love with each other , and although sad both feel it’s time to call an end to their marriage , having lived in the same house for the last ten years have not spoken one word of connection or intimacy.

No , we are talking about Mr Mrs Toxic who fiercely hate each other with a vengeance. If you did not watch the first series Mr Toxic, had an affair with a young girl which created havoc with the emotions of Mrs T. She became unhinged , unrecognizable in character to friends and family, and ill.

Because cheating is a fast growing epidemic in today’s society , sadly no ones bats an eyelid, it’s very rare to hear of a couple drifting apart, and more known to hear that someone has left their relationship because they have met someone else. ( this post is not about any moral standing ) , but more about the huge ripple effects cheating has on those that are left behind.

We all have moments in life where time stands still, the point of fracture where something breaks, changes. Life as we know it is never the same again, losing my sister this year to cancer was and is a daily struggle of heartache, grieving someone that dies is torture, all those memories never make up for missing someone so bad, those moments when something happens and you reach for the phone to call them , and then it hits you that you will never hear their voice again, that’s when the tears come and sadness engulfs you like a crushing wave.

Those that have lost a partner through bereavement have often told me it’s different to those that lose a partner through divorce or a break up, I understand that now. I suppose for many that go through divorce or relationship collapse still have hope maybe of reconciliation or finding acceptance, and may still have time on their hands to make peace with their past, death is final transparent and real. But pain is real and should , no matter what the situation , be felt.


The thing is when you have been betrayed you question every part of the relationship, working out what was true and pulling everything apart, including yourself, searching for truth whilst agonizing over the lies. You’re allowed to wait for your heart to heal, and you’re allowed to wait to move on.

It never works when you take them back, people don’t change, it just gives them the opportunity to hurt you again over step your boundaries , possibly compromising your worth and Better judgement

instead , let them leave , set them free, watch them go.

For those of you that are suffering the after effects of infidelity or comforting a broken heart , we have put together a workshop ” Betrayed By Love ” , a 3 hour workshop dedicated in helping you get to the other side ..

The date Sunday 12th November 1pm – 4pm

contact me ; info@suddenlysingle.org.uk

1405874263378 (1)

dating, divorce, internet dating, relationships

Stranger in the house ….

66130 (1)

I had an email yesterday from someone that was struggling with sadness & heartbreak  that had happened since she had found out that her boyfriend of 12 months  had been cheating . 

He had started being very secretive & possessive with his mobile phone which alerted her that maybe something was going on ( the majority of people find out about affairs by a text message, or finding an email  ) , but the main thing was he seemed distant , distracted and his normal easy going carefree and loving nature was now turning into someone she did not recognize.

He started frequent arguments  , he was short tempered and would not make future plans ( again, all signs leading to the discovery of cheating ), so three weeks ago whilst he slept she grabbed his phone locked herself in the bathroom and discovered the truth , not just one message , but numerous messages from three different women , her heart was well and truly ripped apart. She put the phone back exactly where he had placed it with his glasses on the top, and spent the night shaking and vomiting as he slept oblivious to what was happening. 

The next morning as soon as he left for work, she packed up her things and left and went back to her house and spent the next few days in shock and disbelief to what had happened , she couldn’t eat or sleep and her mind was going over and over the last few months to see if she could pin point a time as to what could have given him cause to cheat, she felt humiliated that it was not just one woman but three , all of whom from the messages that she had read gave her reason to believe he was in ” a relationship ” with all of them , it was all starting to add up , he worked away alot and so she would invariably only see him once or twice week & the occasional weekend.

 right at the beginning of the relationship he said he wanted to take things slowly.  Red flag ? possibly. 

the-vettriano-collection-5

 

Rejection and betrayal are prevalent in today’s society particularly as people have so many options with all the dating apps that are now readily available. For those that have addictive  personalities, or want to stroke the ego, or simply feel they need to keep their options open , or just have not met ” the one”, they can have lots of interest, dates and options at any given time.

But what we have to understand is ,that not every couple that starts on this journey , will stay together. 

And that it takes time to get over the disappointment of being let down and hurt. 

So how do people get over betrayal ? 

The initial stages of shock and anger , then denial and grief , sadness and finally acceptance.

We have put together a workshop ” Betrayed By love ” for men & women

Where we will talk in depth about all these stages & give advice & practical solutions to guide you through these various stages, ( regardless of what stage of these you are on )  enabling you to understand yourself better and put the past well & truly behind you.

This workshop is on Sunday 12th November in Milton Keynes .. The cost is £29 per person from 1pm – 4pm

please email me if you are interested in this workshop ; info@suddenlysingle.org.uk

8f5e7127432ce9ba5c7175f839634416--jack-vettriano-art-paintings