It’s been a very busy start to the new year, and I just realised I haven’t blogged since Christmas, spending every spare moment doing homework and assignments and modules to achieve my diploma in Divorce / Life Coaching. I made a pact to myself last year that I would finish this course and get my diploma by March 2017, I was on target and actually received my diploma on the 21st February.
Some of the modules were hard as to be a life coach you certainly have to have bucket loads of ” life skills” , which I have, to be a Divorce Coach I had to provide examples of helping those get through Divorce, which I did effortlessly, and on reflection my journey has been pointing to have a career where I help others.
Ironic, whilst going through my divorce ( many years ago ), I was a successful matchmaker helping all those single people find love, being a matchmaker was where I learnt my skill to really listen to people and to see the mistakes that people make in their quest to find love, it was and still is apparent that when people search out of their need to fill voids is when they can make some awful choices ,and now fast forward over 20 years ( 2 divorces later ), I support those going through relationship collapse. In particular, those that are facing divorce through they’re partner cheating, when they are left and abandoned to pick up the pieces of a broken heart with the shattered pieces of their former self fallen at their feet. The low self esteem that accompanies betrayal is I know one of the hardest things to get back, it can take months to repair the damage, and sadly for many they never fully recover. The ripple effect of Divorce has many consequences not just for those that are left behind, but also for the partner that walked away, life for both is never quite the same. But when a divorce is through a partner being betrayed it takes some getting over.
Relationships are complex there are no guarantees for any couple that now enters into marriage to tell if it’s going to last, none of us go into marriage preparing for it to fail, but likewise no one goes through a divorce unscathed emotionally and financially at the end. And every divorce is different , some quick and amicable , and some that are long drawn out battles with bruised ego’s , hurt feelings. And when you have children together , well that battle can go on for years.
Nurturing yourself …
Just a reminder to really nurture yourself , you are fragile and vulnerable, you will be emotionally exhausted, your sleep pattern will be affected, and your eating habits will either be all or nothing. Some of the depressed feelings you will get , alongside anxiety is ” not feeling in control , and not feeling good enough”, this is all totally normal.
As a music lover I surrounded myself with Music ( and still do), Music helps lots of people to access their feelings, if you can play an instrument , sing or write , anything creative will help guide your way through this journey, any activity that brings some enjoyment through this time is good.
Nurturing your relationships …
Divorce is great for clearing out old worn out friendships, in particular those friendships that keep you tied to the past. Some of these friendships will naturally go to the wayside and friends and families tend to take sides. My attitude is this, only have people in your life that care about you and visa versa , the rest are really just passing through, I truly believe that. Nurture your relationships with your children , brothers and sisters , this connection with your family , friends and the community is what is going to keep you grounded and will improve your self worth. Do not worry about the friendships that you will lose, when they see someone going through divorce, they’re own reality comes into question as they start looking at their relationships, and you become a threat.
Start recognising when something ( or someone ) is not good for you …
So often when we are facing relationship collapse through a spouse or partner cheating , we tend to play over scenario’s in our minds of old conversations ( emotional attachment ), replaying those moments in time when you was not aware that your partner was cheating, the ” how could s/he have done this” is like a record on replay in your mind. The bond that you had ( or thought you had ) , has just gone.
For many that struggle to let go of this emotional attachment Prevents them from getting on with their lives, and stops them from creating a new self identity. Going over things is natural, wanting to disect every bit of information is a natural process, but eventually this passes, and then a huge desire to move on naturally takes place. For those that need that validation and lingering emotional attachment will never be free. I call this ” The revolving door” when one reflects on the history of a partnership and unable to let them go. When your partner has met someone else, please leave that man or woman alone, for your sanity , health and self respect .. Your “if only’s will Only harm you, talking it over with other people will help you face up to the reality and allow you to grieve in private it’s a slow process, It is during this process you come to terms with things ( you may not understand it now why something had to happen the way it did, but eventually you will )
Some of the grief that you could encounter is what is known as “carried grief” from previous losses and disappointments, which means if you haven’t had time to grieve and gone maybe from one relationship to another, eventually this “grief” will lay firmly at your door. Which is why I encourage everyone to take some time out, there are no exceptions here I’m afraid.
I know everyone hates the term ” be patient , give it time” , but it is absolutely true, Time will make the break up less painful, time will also allow you to see and take some responsibility , the part that you played in the break up, relationships are only as good as the two people in it, if a partner has cheated then 9 times out of 10 the emotional connection would have gone between you, and you would have probably been feeling unhappy for a while but was to afraid to speak up , in fear of having to learn the truth. ( or the other extreme, being with someone that just craves attention, any way they can ), I know of lots of couples that know their partner is cheating but put up with it for various reasons. Personally, once a 3rd person enters into any relationship it’s doomed, it’s better to cut your losses and let them get on with it. It’s a wonderful feeling of liberation and freedom when you set them both free. Searching for more meaning in your life than being around deceit is far more important. There could be someone authentic & compatible for you further down the road.
It’s amazing what you can achieve when you are going through heartache, it’s all about the mindset and having the confidence to embrace change, and participate in changing your life and not “expecting” anyone else to do it for you… ( I am not suggesting to not let others help you, I am suggesting creating the life YOU want , not what others think you should have.. )
I am moving in the Spring, it was a visualisation that I created last year, For those of you that have never tried the ” law of attraction ” , I encourage you to try it. In short , I visualised a house with a large garden ( I enjoy gardening and know anything creative is good when your heart is acheing, I visualised getting my Diploma, and a home office, where I could write and help & inspire people.
Imagine my surprise when the house had a brick outbuilding with heating and light just ready and waiting to be restored into a sanctuary for those needing a little help…. tears fell down my face, and excitement overwhelmed me. ( there is a god ) .. synchronicity at its best. And a garden that needs vibrant colours and life put back into it ..
I believe that our journey is planned we may take wrong turns from time to time, make wrong decisions , hurt people, get hurt , feel disillusioned and at times despair, but when we are on the right road, don’t put the brakes on, get into top gear and enjoy it.. If you focus on the road ahead and not in the rear view mirror, absolutely everything and anything is possible…